Olympics Horniest Moments Ranking
This actually ended up being more of an ode to sportsmanship and romance, but you know, isn't it all the same?
Every two years, I gain a newborn understanding of the tenacity of the human spirit, the ferocity of competition, and the power of coming together on a global stage. I watch underdogs get medals they were never predicted to win, their eyes shining with tears and their patriotism hitting an all time high as their country’s flag rises above the others. In those moments, in their solitary pride, I cry with them. And when I see a beefy gymnast land a difficult vault and win the first ever gold in the sport for his country, I want to give him a little kiss on the cheek.
Let me get this out of the way: the Olympics are a trickster’s version of a global utopia, blindly promoting an image of unity in spite of differences. These games, summer or winter, are a sham that were custom fitted for public consumption. As much as I condemn these games, I still succumb to them like clockwork. Because ultimately, these are real people who seeking recognition for their hard work. Sometimes, one medal can propel a sport out of the shadows and even change the economics of a country. (And losing out on one can have heartbreaking, adverse effects.)
The Olympians participating are the real reminders of why we suddenly become nationalists every two years. We fawn over their athletic prowess while we’re spread eagle with a bag of kettle chips on the couch, and a part of us thinks, yeah for sure I could do that if I put my mind to it. But the more degenerate part of the experience is the gentle carnal pleasure of watching some of the most physically fit people in the world come together.
Remember when Tongan flag bearer Pita Taufatofua showed up slick with oil in 2016, then 2020? (Regrettably, the rain during this year’s opening ceremony prevented a three-peat.) In addition to unconditional supporting the world’s best athletes, our shameless ogling has become an integral part of the games. Here are some of my favorite moments from this year’s Paris Olympics.
Gun Play Fantasies (one for you, one for me…)
South Korea’s Ye-ji Kim and Turkey’s Yusuf Dikec have entered the respective MILF/DILF hall of fame by wielding an air pistol in a manner so matter-of-fact that it became erotic, full of mystique to the naked eye. Kim, who won silver in the women’s 10-meter event, was clad in a white ballcap adorned with her home country’s flag, a black Fila jacket, futuristic glasses perched on her nose bridge, and a small plushie (her daughter’s!) dangling from a tucked hand. Mama, the internet crowed, mama!
And on the other side, Dikec also won silver in the 10-meter mixed team event but with a minimalist flare, in glasses that look like they came free with the purchase of the lenses and a simple Team Turkey t-shirt. Both the everyman assassin underdog and your friend’s dad that you thought was hot for two minutes as a teenager, Dikec is accessible in his utter normalcy.
Rugby Girls Get It
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Led by Ilona Mayer, the U.S. women’s rugby team has been writhing on the field (I do not understand rugby) and on TikTok in search of an Olympic village lover. They are just like us, ready to fall in love with a beautiful, big-hearted jock. I have thoroughly enjoyed Mayer letting us know that Naya Tapper got an Instagram handle just by staring someone down, discussing an ideal special someone, and giggling over a man talking to her while in line for food. I’ve loved this goofy romantic attitude the most. I’m so proud to be a horny American.
You Can Lose With A Big Dick
BDE this, BDE that, but when have we ever seen a big dick completely ruin someone’s career? Pole vaulter Anthony Ammirati attempted to clear his target mark and was sabotaged by his bouncing bulge. Not since Pete Davidson has someone had their penis prosecuted before their personhood. Serena Williams’ former coach Rennae Stubbs said what we were all thinking, and advised Ammirati to “[call] a drag queen” before his next vault.
This photo of Daiki Hashimoto and Zhang Boheng
These two are the romantic leads of my teenage fantasies – built like Gods, eyes like a clear pond, and a soft smile that says more than words could. My heart broke when Hashimoto missed out on the podium during all-arounds, until he mended it back together by a show of sportsmanship — shushing the audience so Zhang could focus and perform his final routine.
Honorary Heterosexual Rom-Com Moments
Love On The Brain!
I am not even mad that the “if he wanted to he would” community had a field (lol) day with this one. I was captivated by the way Sweden’s Mondo Duplantis broke a pole vault record and immediately jumped over a ledge to hug and make out with his girlfriend, Desire (!!what a name!!) Inglander. Please, can we show this video before any actors have to kiss passionately in an emotional climax? This is a lip lock for the ages, full of pure adrenaline and euphoria. It’s probably as wholesomely feral as you can get.
Forget the Olympic Rings… Much Less a Wedding Ring…
In the midst of the games, we’ve forgotten the OG horny for romance athlete. At the opening ceremony two weeks ago, Italian high jumper Gianmarco Tamberi was the flagbearer for his country – a prestigious responsibility that led to the loss of his wedding ring into the river below. Instead of privately lamenting the loss of such a symbolic object, Tamberi took to Instagram to apologize to wife Chiara Bontempi Tamberi. Here are my favorite pars from the caption:
“It will stay forever in the riverbed of the city of love, flown away while I tried to carry the Italian tricolor as high as possible during the opening ceremony of the most important sport evening in the world. If I had to invent an apology, I would never have been this imaginative.”
“I think there might be a huge poetic side to yesterday’s misdeed, and if you want, we’ll throw yours into that river, too, so they’ll be together forever, and we’ll have one more excuse to, like you’ve always asked, renew our vows and get married anew.”
Proposal After Gold
On August 2, Badminton player Huang Yaqiong did it: she won gold for her country in mixed doubles. Right after the medal ceremony, her boyfriend, fellow badminton player Liu Yuchen, got down on one knee with flowers and a ring to propose. People had a lot of opinions of whether this was taking away the spotlight from her actual achievement, and to that I say: If we were to trust in the spirit of the games, we will operate under the best of intentions. Let’s extend that to these gestures as well, at least temporarily.
Okay, throwing what I just said out the window, the poetry of this is incredible. French runner Alice Finot finished fourth in the 3000-meter steeplechase. After finishing, she goes over to her partner, Bruno Martínez Bargiela, unhooks an Olympic pin she had been wearing and proposes. "I told myself that if I ran under nine minutes, knowing that nine is my lucky number and that we've been together for nine years, then I would propose," Finot said. As a fellow superstitious numbers girl, I endorse Finot’s grand gesture of romance.
Honorable Mentions
The Moon Waves Hello
This must’ve been so humiliating for him, I thought after I finished giggling at an image of surfer Tim Elter in only a shirt, hunched over the water, his ass stark white against the pale blue gradient of sky and ocean. But Elter took it all in stride, commenting, “When the waves don’t deliver, then my ass does” on an Instagram post.
This Guy
My friend Ái Vy (who has an advice substack that you should subscribe to/send your life’s biggest questions to) introduced me to shot put star Ryan Crouser, who the NBC Olympics Instagram account openly thirsted over as well. And now, we all get to.
Most Things Can Be Solved With A Hug
Ending this list with this after-game hug between American volleyball player Matt Anderson and Japan’s Tomohiro Yamamoto after the latter spiked a ball right in Yamamoto’s face. The pair shared a tender moment after the game, and even took a picture together. The height difference is the stuff of dreams.
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***Can someone also make a montage when the volleyball players scream in ecstasy when they do make a really good dig (spike?). There is something very stimulating about that universal action!
See ya next week <3